Finding Equilibrium
by Psyched
Summary: Post-ep for The Silo (9x07). How do Kensi and Deeks regain their footing as a couple? With a little angst, a little fluff, and a little something special at the end.


**AN** : It feels like I haven't said this in a while, so thank you to everyone who reads, follows, favorites, and/or reviews my stories. It always brightens my day to know people are out there (hopefully) enjoying what I love spending my spare time doing, and it really does motivate me to keep writing (that's definitley **NOT** a "more reviews gets you more fics," comment; just a sincere one).

* * *

Their ride home had been quiet and uneasy. It had been a difficult day, in different but equally arduous ways, for both of them. Despite the tension in the cab of Deeks' truck, Kensi was glad they were driving home together. As they left the mission, Deeks headed for his pickup and, by the look of surprise on his face when she hopped into the passenger seat, must have assumed Kensi would take her Audi home. But after the day's events, particularly their exchange on the rooftop, she didn't want to be without him for any length of time.

Their lovemaking had been born of desperation and relief. Almost as soon as they got home, they started stripping each other of their clothes in search of that unique combination of an exorcism of fear and pain and a celebration of life. They needed to reconnect, physically and emotionally, and they did. But Kensi sensed there was something that Deeks was holding back, a part of himself he needed to protect for a little while longer. She hated that distance between them, but understood why it remained.

She suspected she knew what it was but was reluctant to ask, especially while they were still in each other's arms. Instead Kensi pulled the sheet over them and let the silence grow as their bodies cooled. They lay on their sides facing one another, Kensi's head nestled under Deeks' chin, their feet entangled.

"Care to tell me the specifics of how you saved the world?" Deeks asked just as Kensi had decided to leave her own question for the morning and try to get some sleep.

"Only if you want to hear about it," she said into his chest.

He dropped a kiss on her hair and tightened his arm around her. "Of course. I need to know what to do if I'm the one in that position next time."

She pulled her head back enough that he could hear her clearly. To make up for the loss of contact there, Kensi slid her leg between his. She told him everything, choosing to treat it like a debriefing in an attempt to keep the feelings at bay for both of them.

Deeks' voice was rough with emotion despite Kensi's detached delivery. "So you actually were the only person who could have done it." It made him feel a little better knowing that. The woman who owned his heart hadn't just nonchalantly volunteered for a potentially deadly assignment because she felt compelled to save the world on her own. She had been asked to do something no one else had been capable and skilled enough to do. His Kick Ass Kensi could never have said no. "I'm proud of you," he whispered.

"Thank you. But you need to know something else. I knew about the protocol, that they had already put the tanks over the silo covers, and what it could mean if the launch wasn't averted. I was prepared, if it looked like we weren't going to be of use anymore, to tell them I'd drive Tiffany to safety. I'm reasonably sure they would have let us go, since we were only there to try to talk Miller down."

"Until they realized your value when they saw how narrow that tunnel had become."

She met his eyes. "I don't have a hero complex or a death wish, and I promise I wanted nothing more than to come home to you. But I couldn't leave then, Deeks. I hope you can understand that."

"Yeah, baby, I do." He did, and he realized this was what he'd needed to hear Kensi say. That she'd had plans to leave, and _had_ been thinking of him, of them, and their future. "I'm glad you told me, because I didn't see why it had to be you, and why you just didn't get the hell out of there. And it made me so angry to think you were determined to put yourself at risk like that."

"I'm sorry." She kissed his neck and let her lips linger for a few beats, feeling the pulse beneath his skin. "There wasn't enough time to explain everything, and I was afraid the longer I stayed on the phone with you, the harder it would be for me to do the job."

Deeks let out a sigh and Kensi could feel him releasing whatever ache remained in his heart. She thought maybe now was a good time to address her own worry. "Can I ask you something?"

"Anything."

"On the roof, before I showed up, and even once I was there, were you thinking about…walking away from me? From us?" Deeks' silence and the sudden return of tension in his body were all the confirmation Kensi needed. "Never mind, you don't have to answer that," she said despondently.

"Hey, look at me. It's not what you're thinking." Deeks tucked a finger under her chin to lift Kensi's face. He hated to see the tears already pooling.

Kensi let out a watery, hollow laugh as she closed her eyes and the tears slid down her cheeks. "I'm not sure how you make that anything but what it is, Deeks," she said, turning her face to free it from his grasp and pressing it into his chest to comfort herself.

"With the truth," he said, placing his hand on the crown of her head. "Listen…yeah, I was angry Kens, because I had been frantically trying to call you, to tell you about the danger so you could get out of there. But then you called to say _goodbye_ ," Deeks couldn't stop his voice from breaking, "because you could stop it from happening, and you hung up when I was trying to talk you out of it. I was terrified, once more, that you were going to die.

"I wasn't exaggerating before when I said I hate feeling like that, baby. My brain was spinning, trying to figure out how to keep this from happening again if you somehow managed to survive. And it went _everywhere_ , Kensi. From just packing us up and spiriting you away to Bali, to giving you an ultimatum, to never letting you go anywhere without me…"

"To leaving me," she finished for him.

He nodded slowly and admitted, "That was one of them. And just like the rest, as soon as it popped into my head, I dismissed it. Kind of like your suggestion of leaving you under that helicopter in Syria; anything that would result in me being without you is a dreadful idea," he tried to make light of it, but Deeks still felt a little shaken and more than a little guilty about where his mind had gone in his most desperate moments.

"God, Deeks," Kensi choked out on a sob. That she was the cause of so much anguish that he had even for a second considered ending them, was crushing.

He held her fully against him again and whispered soothingly into her hair, "No, shhh…baby, it's all right. I swear, as soon as my head brought it up, my heart shot it down. I could never leave. I told you, you're my world." Deeks continued to murmur wordless reassurances until Kensi's crying slowed down to an occasional sniffle. He thought she might be on the verge of falling asleep when he heard her ragged voice.

"I wouldn't have let you."

"Hmm?" Deeks ran his hand down her hair and skimmed it along her back, trying to return her to the peace he was sure she'd almost found.

Kensi lifted her head from his chest and met his eyes. She hardened her voice into steel, hoping he would understand how serious she was. "I wouldn't have let you go. I would have quit NCIS before I let it break us up. I would never choose the job over you."

Deeks had sometimes wondered, if it came to that, if Kensi would pick him or NCIS. It seemed stupid to ask, and probably unfair. This is what their jobs required, and they both knew and accepted it well before they ever became a couple. Deeks believed she meant it now; if the job became a threat to their relationship, she would quit. He would probably never admit to Kensi how good that was to hear. But he could offer her something else. "If it makes you feel any better, I'd have done the same thing today."

She ran her hand down the scruff on his check and pressed a sweet kiss to his lips. "It does. Thank you for being so patient with me, Deeks. I don't know what I've done to deserve it, but I can't tell you what it means that you don't pressure me to pick between you and work. I'm sure I'll be ready to leave on my own eventually, but if it ever comes to making that decision before then, you will always win. You're my world too."

Deeks swallowed hard. "As much as I hate feeling like that, I'd rather live with the occasional pain and fear than know you were somewhere out there and I walked away from you."

Kensi was relieved. Neither one of them was exactly where they wanted to be but they could accept where they were for now. Her voice was smaller when she spoke again, "Did you have any idea it would be like this – our relationship? This intense, this…difficult at times?"

"What do you mean?"

"I didn't think it was possible to feel this way because of loving someone. It's more than a little overwhelming to know how easily I could hurt you, and vice versa. It wasn't like this with Jack. It hurt when he left, sure, but I was more resigned to it than anything in the end. But it would destroy me if you left, Deeks. And it's like a knife through my heart to know I upset you enough today that you had to think about doing it."

Of course he knew it could be like this, would be like this sometimes. They were still in the embryonic stages of their relationship when Deeks had realized Kensi was the most important person on the planet to him. He tortured a man because he'd thought she was dead, and he knew then she could have become his entire world if they'd been given the chance. It was the reason he pulled away after Paul Angelo reminded him that Kensi was his greatest weakness. It wasn't until she'd demonstrated, over the next months, that she was also his greatest strength, and he was hers, that he was ready to take the leap with her. He hadn't regretted it a day since.

Including today.

Deeks felt his waning anger shift then. His resentment was no longer directed at Kensi or the job, but it remained firmly aimed at the sociopaths and sycophants who made what they did so necessary, so important. He couldn't blame her for wanting to keep people safe; he wanted the same thing.

"I'm not going anywhere, princess." He kissed her tenderly. "But I am curious, and please don't take this as me trying to change your mind or anything, but on the roof it seemed like you were ready to pack it in, like you'd finally had enough of the near misses too. Yet in the next breath, you didn't know when you'd be done with it all. What happened?"

Kensi sighed, in part from frustration. "I just don't know what else I would do. What else to be. This is all I know, Deeks. And yeah, having a family is something I want with you, but sometimes that seems more terrifying than what we do now."

"How can you say that? You're going to be a fantastic mother."

"Right. I can teach our kids to hunt, and track, and change the oil in the car, but what about the day-to-day stuff? I can't even make a decent grilled cheese sandwich," she said, her tone sullen.

"Okay first of all, kids have notoriously bland taste, so ours will love your grilled cheese," Deeks paused and smirked. "Too soon?" Kensi returned his grin and shook her head no. He continued, "Your grilled cheese will be the only one they will agree to eat for the first ten years of their lives. Second, you're Kick Ass Kensi Blye and there isn't anything you can't learn to do if you want."

Kensi's smile brightened as she suggested, "Maybe we can start working on that together? Take a class or two somewhere, order some of those boxed meals, find some online tutorials, have our moms teach us?"

"Woah, let's not get carried away! No need to get the moms involved."

Kensi chuckled, grateful for a reprieve from the serious for a few moments. "Believe it or not, I'd actually been happy, while I was making the sandwiches, that I could at least handle that." At Deeks' questioning look, she explained, "I'd been thinking that between grilled cheese sandwiches, my stellar ability to open a box or can of soup and heat it up, and my penchant for baking cookies, that I could manage an adequate comfort meal when we have kids."

"And then I came in and started saying you were doing it wrong," he finished.

"I knew you didn't mean it that way, but that's pretty much how I heard it at the time, yeah," Kensi confessed. "Honestly, it bothered me and made me doubt that I was as prepared as I was trying to convince myself I was. Which was stupid to begin with, because what kind of woman thinks she's ready for motherhood just because she can half-ass her way through one meal?"

"Baby, I don't think anyone is ever as prepared for kids as they think they are. But the fact that we worry about it means ours will be lucky to have us as parents because we'll do whatever is necessary to make sure they're happy and healthy and loved." Deeks placed a kiss on her forehead.

"I'm sorry," he said at the same time Kensi uttered the words. They exchanged smiles and Deeks nodded to allow Kensi to speak first.

"I should have just told you what I was feeling instead of snapping at you and starting an argument," she said.

He countered with, "I could have said it better, or hell, done it myself. You know, one-upped you a little."

Kensi's smile stretched into a yawn. It was late and they were physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. They were on stable enough ground for now, she thought.

"Better get some sleep, yeah?" Deeks suggested, running his hand from her shoulder to her fingers, which he entwined with his own.

Kensi nodded, took their joined hands and kissed Deeks' knuckles. "I love you, Martin Deeks. I'm glad I get to tell you that in person tonight."

Deeks felt the lump reappear in his throat at the reminder of what they'd come so close to losing today. He swallowed it down and said with a scratchy voice, "I love you too, Kensi Blye, to the end of time and back. Now rest, you earned it."

* * *

He slept fitfully and she hardly at all. Kensi assumed Deeks would be prone to bad dreams through the night, and she was right. Whenever he got restless or muttered incomplete words in worried tones, she rubbed his back or ran her fingers through his hair while murmuring soothing sounds of her own. Only once was she unsuccessful in easing him back to a dreamless sleep. When he did wake, suddenly bolting upright and screaming her name in terror, Kensi knew she hadn't made it out of that reality alive.

He apologized when he climbed out of bed, she reassured him she was fine, and he left for the kitchen to splash cold water on his face and have some to drink. She heard Monty whining as Deeks allowed the dog to comfort his master for a little bit before spending the next several minutes sitting in their back yard, listening hard for the distant sound of the ocean. He'd woken her up with enough nightmares since they moved in together that she knew the best course of action was to feign sleep when he returned to bed about fifteen minutes later. The last thing Deeks wanted in the middle of the night was to discuss his bad dreams. He'd tell her about this one when he was ready.

When she wasn't trying to protect Deeks from the demons that haunted his sleep, Kensi was distracted from her own slumber by thoughts of what her future might look like. Deeks was the constant in every permutation, but as for the rest, she hadn't made much progress. Having children with him featured prominently too, and like Deeks, Kensi couldn't picture herself as a stay-at-home parent. She struggled to think of a career that would be safe, stable and financially sufficient, as well as meaningful, fulfilling, and exciting. And when she added the condition of something Deeks could and would do as well, because she preferred the idea of continuing to work with him, she was well and truly stumped.

She'd finally fallen asleep about three hours before their alarms went off. Kensi heard Deeks pick up his phone and slam it back down to quiet it for a bit as she dragged herself toward her bedside table to deal with hers.

"Ugh, is it really morning already?" Deeks slurred, and laid back down with one arm above his head, the other across his eyes. "Hey, how about we play hooky today? Stay in bed for a couple more hours, sleep for some of that time, have a nice frittata brunch, go to the beach, talk about long-term, life altering plans. What do you say?" He was only half kidding.

Kensi still had her phone in hand and didn't give it too much thought, knowing the longer she waited, the more likely she was to change her mind. Tossing it aside a minute later, she crawled back over to Deeks and rested her head on his chest. "Good plan," she muttered.

"Mmm," Deeks agreed, running his hand over her hair. She made no move to get up when his snooze timer went off ten minutes later. He managed to reach the device without disturbing their positions too much, and turned it off. Squeezing her shoulder, Deeks said, "Alright, Sleeping Beauty, it's time to get up. Not sure I mentioned this before, but I yelled at Mosley yesterday, so it probably won't help me any if we're late today."

"Then what do you think she's going to do when she sees we took the day off?"

"She'll probably – wait, we…we _what_?"

"You said you wanted to play hooky."

"Yeah, but I wasn't serious!" Kensi lifted her head and narrowed her eyes at him. "Okay, I wasn't _not_ serious either. But I didn't think you'd really do it."

"It's a great idea, and maybe I figured I could prove that I meant what I said last night. It may only be for one day, but I'm putting us over the job, Deeks. If it helps, I texted Callen too and told him we didn't sleep well and he wouldn't want us in the field today anyway. They'll reach out if anything major comes up, you know that." She kissed his chest. "In the meantime, let's go back to sleep. You put a lot on our agenda for the day and I want to make sure we get to all of it," she said, and then saw the look on his face. "What?"

"You chose us over work," he said, somewhat disbelieving.

She frowned, unsure where he was going with his comment. "I know it's not very big as romantic gestures go, but –"

He cut her off, "When was the last time we took time off just because I wanted to spend the day together?"

"Deeks, I can't remember when either of us took off outside of a planned vacation or a sick day. Except for Michelle's funeral."

Because it's never happened, Deeks thought. And he suggested it often enough. No, most of the time he wasn't serious, but he floated the idea about twice a month, and if Kensi had ever shown the least bit of interest, he would have done what she did this morning: called in the PTO and turned off the alarm clock. Instead, Kensi always reminded him of their responsibilities with a kiss or a playful pinch as she got out of bed and headed for the shower.

But not this morning. Deeks was moved by fact that Kensi was putting her words into action for them, and he felt his heart trip over his emotions, overcome by his love for this woman. And extremely turned on by this new aspect of her.

He flipped over, rolling Kensi under him. "Which makes it a pretty damned incredible gesture, then." Deeks nipped her chin then kissed his way along her jawline toward her ear. He nibbled there for a few moments until Kensi shivered.

"Deeks," she said on a sigh. "We need to sleep."

"We will, but we need to do this first. I have to show you how much I love you."

"Imagine how much more…involved I can be if I get some rest," she tried again.

"Imagine how much better you'll sleep after we're done." He kissed he her deeply. "Or you can just lay there if you want. I have no problem doing all the work. I'm used to picking up your slack when it comes to detecting, I can do it in the bedroom too," he teased with a sly smile and a bite to her lip.

"Really? You think goading me is the thing to do right now?"

Deeks' hand found its way under Kensi's nightshirt and directly to her breast. "I think I got your heart rate up. I'll take the win."

"Let's call it a win-win, then," she said, pulling his face down to hers.

Hours later Deeks was in the kitchen cutting vegetables for their frittata when Kensi shuffled in and planted herself behind him, wrapping her arms around his middle and resting her head on his back.

"Good morning," she said, rubbing her check against the soft cotton of his shirt.

"It certainly was. And it's almost afternoon, princess."

"You should have woken me up sooner, we could have been at the beach by now."

"No worries. I know you didn't sleep much. But you can help speed things along in here by getting started with the eggs, if you think you can handle it."

She pinched his side for the slight but headed to the fridge. "What makes you think I didn't sleep?"

"I could practically hear that brain of yours on overdrive whenever I woke up. And I know I didn't imagine your voice or your hands calming me down when I was…getting agitated."

"Figured it was the least I could do considering I was the cause of all your _tsuris_."

"Ooh, listen to you. Grandpa Feldman would be so proud, _bubbeleh_ ," Deeks teased. He stopped chopping long enough to give her a quick kiss when Kensi returned to the island with the eggs. "I appreciate it. And I love you for it."

She kissed him back. "I love you too. Thanks for letting me sleep. And for the sex-as-a-sedative that resulted in that wonderful nap."

"Oh, that was definitely my pleasure too." They grinned at one another briefly, each feeling their relationship take another step closer to normal before Deeks said, "Now get to cracking and beating those eggs, Mistress Kensi."

Sitting down to eat a short while later, Deeks remarked, "I could get used to this."

"Having Deeks' famous frittatas? We do this practically every weekend."

He shook his head as he swallowed his first bite. "Being a 'couple of leisure.' Sleeping late, lazy lovemaking, enjoying a gourmet brunch, the rest of the day in front of us to do what we want."

"I give it a week before we'd be bored out of our minds," Kensi said.

"Challenge accepted," Deeks said. "Now all we need is to get rich. Let's see. Lottery?"

"As soon as one of us becomes a psychic, sure." Deciding being silly was as good a way as any to pass some time, she suggested, "We could rob banks."

He nodded, impressed. Then added, "Get in on the ground floor of a Ponzi scheme."

"Make a time machine and go back and invest in Apple or coin."

"If we have the time machine we wouldn't need to invest, we'd have the winning lottery numbers."

"Touché," Kensi said, pointing her fork at Deeks.

"I could go back to dancing. Good cash income there, especially if we don't report most of it. Ooh, I can teach you some moves and you can do it too!"

"Did you not see me dance a few months ago? I got moves."

"Totally different kind needed for the exotic arts, babe. But I'm sure you could manage, with some of my expert tutelage."

"Uh-uh, I don't share. And I don't think you would either. Besides, that sounds an awful lot like work. I thought the point of this little exercise was being a couple of leisure?"

"Yeah, no, you're right. Scratch that. Terrible idea."

"We could ask Arkady to adopt me. Live in his mansion with him, spend the mornings poolside planning how not to be bored each day."

"You know, if I didn't think Anna would be supremely pissed at us, that's not a bad thought."

"She'd probably be glad to be rid of him," Kensi reasoned.

"And we should probably take that as a hint to table this discussion and just go to work tomorrow."

As they loaded Monty and their boards back into the bed of his truck that evening, Deeks said hopefully, "Okay, so maybe we can't live actual lives of leisure, but we've got to make it a point to play hooky and take some time like this to ourselves every once in a while. Maybe monthly."

"So you agree we'd get tired of this pretty fast?" Kensi squinted at him in the setting sun.

"Are you kidding me? Spending the day at the beach with my girl and our furry best friend, alternating between surfing, napping, playing fetch, reading, slathering sun block on each other, grabbing grub from the food trucks…how could that possibly get old? We just can't afford it." He thought for a moment and smiled. "Unless we decide to give up the house and live on the beach in a tent or something."

She shook her head, "We are not going back to that conversation."

Closing the tailgate and settling himself on the back bumper, Deeks took Kensi's hand. "Thank you for today, Kens."

She stepped forward to stand between his knees and kissed him softly. "You're welcome." Kensi brushed her free hand through Deeks' hair and rested it on the back of his neck. "How about every other month if we really need it?" she offered as a compromise.

"Do we have to wait until we _need_ a day off together? What's wrong with because we want one?" He wrapped his other arm around her waist.

She sighed. Deeks had a point. They shouldn't wait until things got to critical mass again before making their relationship a priority. "You're right. But we really couldn't pull it off every month."

"That is true." He grinned charmingly, "So every other month then, but because we want to, yeah?"

Kensi nodded, the smile he loved brightening her face, "Yeah." She kissed him again, taking her time and leaning into him.

When they broke apart, Deeks whispered hoarsely, "What do you say we take this home right now and order dinner in later? After we work up a bit more of an appetite?"

"I actually had something specific in mind for dinner. Let's make a quick stop at the grocery store on the way home, and we'll take thirty seconds to stick the ingredients in the fridge before moving on to…more enjoyable pursuits."

"Ingredients? As in you want to cook dinner?" Deeks feigned worry, pressing his hands to Kensi's cheeks and forehead. "I think maybe you have a touch of heat stroke, baby."

"Ha. You want to stay here and debate this or head to the market? The sooner we get what we need, the sooner we can go home and…" she abandoned the rest of her sentence in favor of another kiss, full of promise for the evening to come.

Crossing the threshold into the store fifteen minutes later, Kensi grabbed Deeks' arm to halt his movement. "Here's the plan. I'm going to the bakery to find a nice, crusty bread. You go to dairy to get whatever weird cheeses you want. We'll meet back in produce in five minutes or less to pick out some tomatoes and onions."

He stared at her. "You want to make grilled cheese tonight? With the cheese of my choice?" He grinned at the sound of his words and the knowledge that they had fully regained their footing over the course of the past twenty-four hours. Deeks' anger had been gone since their talk last night, and any lingering uneasiness dissipated this morning when he realized Kensi was trying her damnedest to put them first. Now, with this one simple but ridiculously meaningful gesture, they had their equilibrium back. Their worlds had shifted yesterday and it had thrown them off balance for a while. But now they were back where they belonged, securely with each other.

Kensi tried to guess for a moment where Deeks' thoughts had wandered, but found it didn't really matter because she knew where they were now. When he met her eyes again, she felt the connection snap firmly back into place between them. The distance between them, so glaringly obvious on the roof, but slowly narrowing since they returned home, was finally closed. She could feel the warmth in her soul and the heat throughout the rest of her body at the look he was giving her. "I get to pick the bread," she said, to remind him they were in the store.

Deeks' sexiest smile graced his handsome face before he said, "Well then I think it's only fair to warn you we might be pretty busy 'til breakfast, so maybe you should grab a snack for the ride home."

* * *

 **AN2** : _Tsuris_ is Yiddish for stress, trouble, distress, etc. _Bubbeleh_ is a term of endearment, along the lines of darling.


End file.
